May 03, 2008

Farewell Buddy

I'm standing barefeet at the foot of your grave
Staring despairingly at the mound of earth that shields you from my gaze
The yard is empty
The clouds are darkening
It's just you, me and the restless wind that is blowing dry leaves about
The mourners are gone, the drums are worn, our voices are hoarse

I'm trying to remember the last time I saw you
Every memory is elusive and yet close in a surreal way
There are many things I should have said
There are many more I should not have done
It's too late now to do or undo anything

I'm trying to be strong
Strong because that's what men are supposed to be
Strong because I know I have to be
I have cried out loud at night
I have thought over many things
How could you leave me here?
How could you...
I'm tracing triangles on the dusty earth with my big toe
I miss you badly

My heart aches
My grief is profound
My happiness has died with you

I found a green rope in Nnenna's room that had two strands
I unwound it and tied one of the cords to your wrist before you were buried and the other strand is tied around my wrist
I managed to convince your brother to let me have some of your clothes
I hope we can stay connected, however strange that sounds


The rain drops are falling from the dark angry clouds overhead
It gets heavier by the minute
It is washing away my triangles
It is muddying my feet
It's washing away my tears,
and filling me slowly with the lightness hope brings
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3 comments:

  1. AnonymousMay 11, 2008 at 3:13 AM

    The "I'm" opens the poem rather egotistically. Attention falls on the "I" too heavily. The effect would be better if the "I'm" was delayed, almost buried, fittingly, within the syntax. "Standing barefooted" or "Standing in barefeet" would also be the accurate English.

    The final four lines are neat, but "about" is not needed. The sound of the final line (the repeated r) catches sorrow well. Nicely done.

    In the second paragraph, "yet close in a surreal way" tells the reader nothing. The reader cannot experience what you are saying. A potent image is required rather than flat prose.

    Towards the middle of the poem, I get bored. Yes, you rightly challenge the tough unemotional man stereotype, but the words are not very challenging. The strong point of this section is the closing image: "I'm tracing triangles on the dusty earth with my big toe." That surreal image captures the absurdity of death and mourning. Triangles are abstract, yet the act of the foot is quite concrete. So much is said by this image. Great. "I miss" is an anticlimax.

    The next to last paragraph narrates well-- but the prose ought to be sharpened. Here, you lapse into story-telling mode rather than poetic elegy mode. (Have you read any great elegiac poetry on the loss of friends?)

    The use of the Pathetic Fallacy at the end is rather heavy-handed, but could work.

    The poem has some intelligent touches. At the end, however, I am left wondering if this is genuine or just a poetry game...let me see if I can write an elegy...because the tone is not convincing and consistent.

    A second draft could make this into a worthy poem though.

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  2. Osondu Nnamdi AwarakaMay 12, 2008 at 8:46 AM

    Thank you very much for taking time not only to read my poem, but to criticize it. Thank you.

    I'll make some corrections. Please keep reading and commenting. I hope next time you leave me a name or email address. I will assume you are the same fellow who commented on "Dear Readers".

    Thanks.
    Osondu Nnamdi Awaraka

    ReplyDelete
  3. AnonymousMay 12, 2008 at 2:10 PM

    Indeed, the same.

    ReplyDelete

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