Her black eyes intrigue me
Her smile blanks my mind
Her kiss intoxicates me
Her touch confuses
Her soft laughter seduces me
Her scent awakens me
Strolling in her wake, I'm mesmerized
She's the one I see when I close my eyes
She's the only one I desire
Shes the sole reason I go to class
She's the only one I'm conscious of in a crowded room
She's the reason my mind leaves the present and jets to 'Fantasia'
She's the source of my confusion, the reason behind my seclusion
She's so close and yet so far
She's the one I incessantly seek to please, to impress
I'll fight for her,
I'll hurt myself to please her
She's the reason I love, I hope, I pray, I fear, I dare...
She's the reason I laugh, I weep
She's all I'm thinking of
She's the reason I've hurt myself and others
She's the reason I'm on the run
She's the reason I'm writing this
Her smile blanks my mind
Her kiss intoxicates me
Her touch confuses
Her soft laughter seduces me
Her scent awakens me
Strolling in her wake, I'm mesmerized
She's the one I see when I close my eyes
She's the only one I desire
Shes the sole reason I go to class
She's the only one I'm conscious of in a crowded room
She's the reason my mind leaves the present and jets to 'Fantasia'
She's the source of my confusion, the reason behind my seclusion
She's so close and yet so far
She's the one I incessantly seek to please, to impress
I'll fight for her,
I'll hurt myself to please her
She's the reason I love, I hope, I pray, I fear, I dare...
She's the reason I laugh, I weep
She's all I'm thinking of
She's the reason I've hurt myself and others
She's the reason I'm on the run
She's the reason I'm writing this
Posts
Alas!
ReplyDeleteIs she the one who I know?
ReplyDeleteOr is there another?
Well, that was good, man. Nice imageries and straight message.
Hope you are the new Toni Kan!
Scamper!
As a love poem this is somewhat ordinary.
ReplyDeleteThe syntax repeats too much.
This isn't free-verse so much as a list poem and too many entries begin with "She's".
Verse paragraph 1 sets up a structure: 6 Hers+1 extended phrase+1 comment--"I'm mesmerised."
The poem would be strengthened if the rest of the poem was cut down to use this structure.
The problem with the poem is typical of so many poets: so busy loving the object of affection and not loving poetry enough.
Also, the internal rhymes (sadly) sound clumsy.
For love poetry, not that distinguished-- too adolescent.
I must say this anonymous guy is a poetry critic, and a good one at that.
ReplyDeleteHe will do me good too if he sees my poems on Poemhunter.com and gives me real harsh criticism. It will be good for me! Or so I think!
I must say this anonymous guy is a poetry critic, and a good one at that.
ReplyDeleteHe will do me good too if he sees my poems on Poemhunter.com and gives me real harsh criticism. It will be good for me! Or so I think!
What the hell do you mean, Eromo? He hasn't done any worth-reading critique on this poem. The problem he has is the tone that most poets have the same problem. Common, it's a universal thing, Mr. Anonymous. Why don't people like you have links where we can read what you have and say our mind as well.
ReplyDeleteI keep saying that critics make bad writers. Why don't you have something against Osondu's prose which is as lush as the green grass of Kashmir.
My dear, let the criticism never spur that harsh from within you with no reserves...
Ah, Onyeka.
ReplyDeleteI wondered how long it would be before you put your rhetorical mouth in gear.
Can't Eromo have an opinion?
I have replied as the blog author requested.
I suggest you mind your manners.
You keep saying critics make bad writers...but I am a writer, Onyeka.
My reply to you is this: writers make bad critics...especially in your case.
Tell you what...you do a worthwhile reading of this poem, metre, rhythm, image, phanopoeia, melopoeia, logopoeia, structure, form, metaphor--give it the whole cognitive poetic approach--let's see you at work, friend...as the saying goes, put your brain where your mouth is. Demonstrate. Shouting is easy and you do it often. Let's see the Onyeka intellect at work. Are you up to the challenge?
Thank you very much "Anonymous". Once again, I'm surprised and grateful that you have taken time to review and criticize my poetry.
ReplyDeleteI think you may be right, it sounds very adolescent. I think that's how i intended it to sound. I don't think older people get infatuated. I understood some of the stuff you said and did not get some. I write fiction more often than I do poetry. Poetry is something i try now and then.
Please, please keep it up.
Thank you!
Osondu Nnamdi Awaraka
Oh, but older people do get infatuated. There is some wonderful poetry on just this theme. It does not matter if you misunderstand some words-- they were obviously for you (your blog) but only said to make a point to your friend. The reason I left the anonymous comment is because I knew the response it would get. It is a trait of blogging: others like to blow off in the margins of blogs, attacking honest comments. I wait for Mr Onyeka to take up my challenge. (From what I see, he likes to battle with bluster, but much of his criticism is wind). I expect to wait for a long time!
ReplyDelete